Theodore
by LunaPadma
Summary: Her name wasn't Syrena. What kind of mermaid name was that? And, yeah, she might not eat the preacher right now, but she's only doing that because clearly she is trying to even the score. She's in debt. Duh.  And no, not even she believes that.


Mermaids do not have a set lifespan. Not in years.

Mermaids are born with 100 tears. When the last one falls, the mermaid dies.

Mermaids guard their tears with fierce jealousy. To get one is rare, to get two is unheard of.

That being said, mermaid tears have a variety of uses. They're used to prolong one's life, to make one look more youthful, heal gaping wounds, and are sometimes used as a cure for certain STDs.

Now, let us begin at the beginning.

A dinghy is set afloat in mermaid-infested waters. In this dinghy is a bunch of testosterone-fueled men [with the exception of the twelve-year-old and the preacher sitting in the back]. Fun fact about mermaids: they have the ability to see who would and would not use their tears to gain eternal life [everyone in the boat except two people: the twelve-year-old, who was slightly more preoccupied with the prospect of living, and the preacher, who already thought he had it].

The mermaids attack. Another fun fact about mermaids: they rarely, if ever, pay attention to who would and wouldn't use these tears, et cetera, et cetera.

Fortunately for some people in the boat, there is a mermaid, named Theodore [it's a tradition to take on the name of the first man you kill], who is bored and is playing a game with her sister, Lionel. Lionel was trying to eat people while Theodore was knocking them out of the way. Lionel seizes the preacher, who fumbles for something around his neck and begins to whisper something. Theodore can barely hear him, and she has great hearing. It's probably the annoying twelve-year-old screaming in her ear.

Theodore picks up the twelve-year-old by the collar and throws him forcibly away. He lands in the shallows, where he rushes out of the water and gapes. The preacher is still speaking. Theodore jumps, knocking him out of Lionel's grip. "And forgive us our trespasses, _as we forgive those who trespass against us, and lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil. Amen_." Unfortunately, Theodore's leap knocks the two of them into the shallows, where-just her luck-she gets trapped under a barrel or something.

The preacher pulls out a sword and stabs her in the fin. Not like she didn't just save his life or anything. She clearly gives him a look that said, "Dude, really now? I totally just saved your life from death by flipping mermaids. No big deal or anything."

Apparently he got her message, or it came across as more of a "Help me! Help me!" Either way, he pulls out the sword. Of course, Theodore is still trapped.

And then the men come. The big, nasty, _smelly_ men. They pick her up and shove her into a glass coffin that isn't comfortable in the slightest. It also makes her feel rather self-conscious about her tail end. Was Ivan right? Was she gaining weight down there?

They bolt down the lid of the coffin. Theodore starts to panic. Turns out, she's claustrophobic. What if she runs out of air? Holy Poseidon, she was running out of air! She doesn't have gills! This is bad!

Then Theodore remembered what her teacher, Keith, had said all those years ago. She said, "Girls, you don't have gills. But you do have brains. So if you ever find yourself trapped under water for a long time, or trapped in a place with limited oxygen, for Neptune's sake, do not panic! You only use more oxygen!"

So Theodore stops panicking. She thinks about sea horses and her pet octopus Flotsam, and how jealous she was about Ivan (who is _so_ spoiled) having a giant squid. Theodore had only ridden a giant squid once!

Theodore turns to boy-watching. Some of them look good, but also look voo-doo-ed, which means they don't taste good. Sometimes, they could even give you food poisoning. Theodore puts them at the bottom of her to-eat list.

The preacher looks nice. And you know what they say: the better it looks, the better it tastes. He goes to the top of the to-eat-list. The one guy with the dreads didn't have enough meat to make it worthwhile, but still more appetizing than the zombies. He goes to the middle of the list.

Theodore is unsure where the captain and the girl fall. Probably in the middle. Theodore's never had girl meat before. She wondered what it would taste like. Maybe the girl would go second-no, first. That way, if she's bad, the preacher can wash her down. He'll be her chaser, she decides.

As this is going on, somewhere in the back of her mind, Theodore realizes that it actually is getting harder to breathe. She begins to try to catch the eye of any of the pirates. Any. None. Nobody wants to look at the hot, distressed mermaid, apparently. Well then.

She frantically tries to find someone to help her. The oxygen is running out faster than ever. And she's really not panicking. Much.

The preacher catches on first, Theodore registers in her clouded brain. "She needs air," he says, far off, weirdly distorted.

"She has water," the captain says, as if he's on land and she's under water.

"She needs _air_."

Well, thanks for noticing, Theodore thinks. I'm not a fish. I'm really more of a dolphin girl.

Then, out of the corner of her eye, she sees the preacher dive for the coffin and shove something in the crack to keep the top open. Air rushes in.

Air! YES! VICTORY!

Well, sort of. She doesn't like to think she was indebted to the preacher. Maybe she should reorganize her to-eat list…

But, then again, she had saved his life earlier. So she doesn't have to lose her chaser. That's good. But she'd have to lure them all into the water and that would be a problem…She'll worry about that later.

Right now, she's slightly more concerned with the air coming through the hole.

Theodore had fallen asleep when the sensation of falling wakes her up.

This is not something you experience too much in the ocean. Belly flops were rather common, but those were your own fault.

Anyway, less than a second after Theodore opened her eyes, she's sitting in a puddle of water and broken glass. And she's more than a bit cold. And where'd her tail go? There was supposed to be a tail after her belly button.

And then she remembers the stories some of the older mermaids told. How they would pull one of the shipwrecked sailors onto the beach, do something with them, and then they slip back into the ocean. Apparently, during the beach part, they don't have tails. And then, some months later, the mermaids go back onto the beach, and when they come back down, they have a baby. Maybe it had to do with the 'gels'. At least, Theodore thought that was what they were called.

The preacher pulls off his shirt and puts it around Theodore's shoulders. It is warmer than sitting there butt-naked.

The captain tells her to walk with the rest of them. Theodore tries to walk but 1-has never actually done it before, so she fails miserably, and 2-can't put weight on one foot, so she fails miserably.

There's a lot of miserable failing going on. And this only gets worse when Theodore is given the ultimatum of 'Walk or Die.'

What the hey, dude? Theodore thinks. Not like I literally knew I could even get legs until about a minute ago! And you can't kill me. You need my tears. Not like you're getting them, you [here Theodore uses some mermaid slang that basically means a very, very girly man. It's hard to translate to English from Mermish].

Then the preacher bends down next to her, and says "Put your arms around my neck."

"I do not want your help," Theodore says. Because then she would be in debt to him and she couldn't eat him. And he's supposed to be her chaser!

"You need it," he says. Well, who is Theodore to argue with that logic? And besides, she kind of likes being carried. It made her feel like the mermaid Amphitrite Charles [Amphitrite is the honorific title, like our 'King' or 'Emperor']. Amphitrite Charles was carried everywhere.

So the preacher picks her up and begins to carry her.

Theodore spends a bit making a mental list of whether or not she can eat the preacher. Well, she saved his life in mermaid-infested waters, but he saved her life by not suffocating her. He stabbed her in the foot, but now he was carrying her so she didn't 'die'. Theodore guesses they're tied. For now.

And she could eat a tie.

She frequently had eaten a tie.

Theodore zones out during this jungle trek, only looking up when the preacher says, "She has a name."

Darn right I have a name, Theodore thinks. Theodore.

"And what is that name?" the captain asks.

Well, Theodore thinks, if it weren't for my little vow of silence because most, if not all of you, kind of freak me out, I would tell you my name is Theodore! But I have, and you do not read minds.

"Syrena," the preacher says.

Theodore is speechless-or at least, she would be, provided she had spoken more than six words since she had been shut into a glass coffin. Syrena? Theodore thinks, What kind of name is Syrena? Clearly not a self-respecting mermaid's name. Theodore is a perfect mermaid name. Not Ted, though. Theodore. Not this wishy-washy _Syrena_. She probably couldn't even dismember a human corpse without help!

Suffice to say, Theodore was in a bad mood for a while.

Then, as they're walking, the preacher says, "My name is Philip, in case you were wondering."

Theodore ignores him. She didn't like very many Philips. There was that one guy who killed her grandmother, he was a Philip. There was Philip from her class who was the Spawn of Satan. There was Philip who ran the library and always glared at her because sometimes Theodore brought food into the library. The only Philip Theodore likes is her sister.

"I'm just as much a captive as you are. See the woman, Angelica, she kidnapped me from my rectory near Oxford."

Really, Theodore thought, well at least nobody's planning on draining years of your life. I think I have it worse than you.

The preacher continued, "I know it's not much like your situation, but still, I thought it might make you feel better if you knew someone was in a situation similar to your own."

Well, now that he mentioned it, he was right. Somehow, the knowledge that her chaser had to suffer something kind of like what she had to go through did make Theodore feel better.

This was _so_ weird.

During their walk, Philip kept talking to her, and Theodore kept mentally pushing him farther and farther down her to-eat list. He was good entertainment, she tells herself. He's just a nice distraction. For those times when you don't want to just eat and eat. You have to break it up somehow. Dinner and a show.

Or, at least, that's how Theodore rationalized it.

Then they arrived at some river. She is placed on a rock and told to cry.

"No," Theodore said. Well, what went through her head was something much closer to you [here, she uses a mermaid cuss word which cannot be adequately translated into English] imbecile, I would rather cut open my chest with my fingernail and feast on my own sternum.

"Imagine your people dying all for the purpose of harvesting tears," Blackbeard says.

Theodore ignored him. She'd heard _that_ one before. It was part of her 'How Not to Shed a Tear in the Face of Adversity' class, or 'HNSTFA' [pronounced Hhhn-sta-fa]. Cliché line. Number three most common ever used [the most common is something along the lines of 'Cry or I'll kill ya!', the second being 'Start crying or start losing body parts!'].

Then one of the zombies grabs Philip and holds a knife to his throat. Wait, what? This was _never_ part of HNSTFA. Probably, a snide voice in the back of Theodore's head reminded her, because mermaids do not have a relationship, platonic or otherwise, with men.

Then the zombie cuts Philip's throat and throws him into a convenient ditch.

Theodore does not cry. It was part of her HNSTFA training. You must never lose a tear in the heat of the moment. Shedding a tear in honor of someone is a respectful way of showing them you care, but this is always better done at a time when there is no danger of said tear being exploited.

They try many, many ways of trying to get Theodore to cry. She answers each and every one with a 'No.' Rule number 8 of HNSTFA-Sarcasm is rarely well-met. Avoid if at all possible [this was a hard one for Theodore; she was a very sarcastic individual].

Finally, they get the message and leave her alone. Sort of. There were still guards surrounding her, but they remained at a distance. Kind of.

They move further and further away, discussing who knows what. Playing cards.

Theodore zones out. She does this a lot, she notices. Perhaps it's a side-effect of the legs.

And then, she sees Philip crawl out of the ditch and come near her.

And Theodore later assumes that she'd been breathing in some sort of drug, cuz she doesn't remember the guards or anything when she decides to shed a tear for him. In honor of his return and the fact that he's not dead, of course.

Just like mothers do with their baby and stuff.

Of course, then Blackbeard swoops down with a little vial and captures said tear.

Because that's just her life right now. Philip was probably totally involved in this diabolical plot from the beginning!

Step one-Put mermaid in life-or-death situation in which preacher will save her.

Step two-Put mermaid in unsettling situation from which preacher will save her.

Step three-Have preacher 'spill soul' to mermaid to get mermaid to care for preacher

Step four-Fake preacher's death

Step five-Have preacher come out of nowhere, surprising mermaid enough to have her spill tear.

Theodore resolves that, if she ever got back to her family, she would _so_ make Keith put this in her HNSTFA classes.

Philip tries to apologize, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. He's dragged away by those voo-doo guys at the bottom of her to-eat list. After this, Philip is _so_ back to being her chaser.

Then, because apparently nearly suffocating, being forced to give up part of her life, et cetera, wasn't enough, Blackbeard suspends her half-in water and half-out. Then he leaves.

[This seems pointless, but Blackbeard rarely did pointless things. One of the ways to kill mermaids is like this. In all-human form, they tan, and in all-mermaid form, the sun has no effect on them. Somehow, half-in the water and half-out causes them to die. Some researchers believe that this position causes the tears to evaporate. This is a lie. They just suffer horrible sunburn. Third-degree burns kill, you know.] Theodore resigns herself to a slow, agonizing death. She imagines what her funeral will be like, and who would shed.

Philip, probably, Mum, definitely, Lionel might, hope not, and Auntie Hendrick will! She's wicked emotional. Who'll take care of Flotsam? Lionel's allergic, and Philip and Mum don't like her. Auntie Hendrick maybe, but Flotsam doesn't get along with her octopus, Olaf.

Dear Neptune, Flotsam would never survive the pound! She was too soft for them.

So not cool.

Again, Theodore zones out, trying not to feel her flesh sizzling like some good ol' English Sailor Bacon [this is Theodore's favorite kind. Philip much prefers Spanish Navigator bacon, whereas Lionel is partial to French Colonist bacon. Theodore's mother, Quincy, likes anything Dutch]. This tactic is mildly successful. Emphasis on 'mildly'.

And then he comes back. Again.

This time he's bleeding. A lot. Theodore can just tell he's mortally wounded [after spending a lot of their time luring men to their doom and attacking them and all that, most, if not all, mermaids have learned, based on blood loss and all that, how long they will live. They study how to calculate it in math-If Timothy bites a six-three man in the jugular, creating a three-inch cut, and the man's blood pressure is 120/80, how long until the sailor bleeds out?].

He unties her hands. She sinks into the water, soothing her English Sailor-bacon shoulders.

And then she hears it. Her tear, calling to her [another thing-they kind of work like GPS, but only the shedder can find it again and it can't be put back into the shedder. So it's a total waste. And they don't keep, so it's basically a one-time use]. It wasn't used yet? Why?

Forgetting Philip for the moment, Theodore swims to said tear. She finds said tear in the company of that skinny guy with the dreads. He's looking for something. Maybe it's those cups that she ran into. She picks them up and holds them out to him. He grabs them, and then Theodore says, "Do not waste my tear."

She does this because…actually she has no excuse. What about Philip? He's probably barely alive now! Fail, Theodore, fail, she tells herself.

So she swims back to that beach. Where Philip is dying.

She's obviously only doing this because she shed a tear for the guy. Protect her investment, of course. And he shared so much of his life story with her, it just wouldn't be fair to him to have him die alone [this is the worst thing to do to a mermaid. They're very sociable creatures. One Mermologist described their relationship as 'Sorority Sisters']. And she's in debt to him and she swam away. He saved her life a ton. It's only fair.

And because he looks so hot without his shirt on.

[Here Theodore uses a mermaid swear word that roughly translates to Holy Rotting Pile of Fish Guts and Whale Poop], she wasn't supposed to think that! What was happening?

Finally, she makes it to the beach. Oh thank Neptune, he's still alive! "Syrena," he says.

Oh, right, that was her. She was not used to that. It was weird.

"I can heal you," Theodore says, on impulse. "All you need to do is ask."

"All I ask is for forgiveness," Philip says. Wait, what? Forgiveness for what? The tear thing? That was her being an idiot! He's so saved her life enough for her to save his. Just trying to be even.

"Ask." Okay, maybe she didn't want to keep score about evenness or not, she just didn't want him to die. Would that be fair to his mom? His little sister Penelope [Philip was a sharer]? No, it wasn't.

"Forgive me." And yeah, she wanted him for herself too. Not to eat, but, you know, to talk to. He was a friend. A very attractive friend that does something very strange to her pulse rate, but a friend. Nothing more. At least, nothing more at the moment.

At which point Theodore just can't deal with his 'Forgive Me' thing cuz it kind of makes her want to slap him, so she pulls him into the ocean and swims to sea.


End file.
